Facts about Babies

People always say, "Oh babies are such a mystery!"  Here are some things you should know should you decide to get a baby:

1.  Babies have no neck spines until they are 3 years old.  They are filled with honey, one kidney, half and half, and a tiny heart.  The heart doubles as the stomach for the first 4 months, fact.

2.  Babies have fly vision, as well.  This is because their brains are kaleidoscopes.  After they open presents on their 5th birthday, their brain transforms into an adult brain.

3.  Buy your baby a pet snake.  See earlier post, but to recap, babies and snakes are best friends, especially rattle snakes.

4.  Babies enjoy sausage sandwiches and no one ever gives it to them.  This is why they cry so much.

5.  Babies need alone time, just as much as adults.  You and your baby will both be happier if you have time apart.


I really hope this helps!  Best of luck in acquiring a baby baby.

Carrot + Potato (Love is Blind)

What happens when a blind Potato falls in love with a Carrot?  

Let's just say it's a perfect marriage of Vitamin A and Love!   

Meet Kevin Broussard, a sight impaired potato just trying to make his way through the world.  He, literally! bumps into Julie Lovato, a sexy businesslady carrot.  But is LOVE really BLIND?

Wedding Bells!

As a retired wedding planner, I feel it is finally time for me to share with you some really great, no-fail ideas.  Apparently there are "wedding magazines," that offer "free" advice to expecting brides.  What most don't realize is that these "magazines" are actually put out by the government.  In 1978, the Carter Administration passed the NAACP act, which stands for Nuptials at all Costs Program.  It's main goal was to instill and promulgate family values and the institution of marriage.  They pumped $14 million dollars into this program, with funds going to magazines, fashion, food and entertainment.  Women went crazy over the idea of a plastic dove cake toppers and Empire Waist gowns.  The $14 million that started the program nearly tripled its profit in the first year.

Here are some good ideas that the government's wedding initiative won't tell you:

1.  Party Throws - RICE - The government hates pigeons.  Alex Hamilton once said jokingly at a party, "Pigeons are tiny demons who prefer pecking at our waste than soaring high above us.  Satan put them on this earth to gather information about our eating habits. Aren't pigeons the worst!" Mary Witherspoon overheard Alex spouting off his pigeon nonsense and soon, it became known as fact that pigeons are Satan's favorite bird.  The government decided to start forcing brides to throw rice at weddings.  Rice expands in the stomachs of pigeons and makes them explode.  

MODERN TIMES:  Instead of rice, throw MARBLES.  Remember how special marbles were when you were a kid?  "Oh, look a tiger eye!"  Brides will literally be hit over the head with nostalgia!  

FERTILIZER:  You will be outside anyway, why not be "green" about the whole thing?  Throw fertilizer at the bride and groom as a sign that you hope "their love will Grow!"

KLEENEX:  As a guest, you most likely cried at the wedding.  In the 14th century, tears and nose mucus were considered a sign of affection. Go old fashioned and bring this tradition back.  The bride and groom will know for a fact that you care about them, based on the tear and snot contents of the kleenex.  It is customary for the b & g to stuff a pillow with the used kleenex.  That way they can remember how many people care about them.

FASHION:  Wedding dresses are not supposed to be comfortable.  Nowadays they are, but if you are more of a traditional girl, why not line it in burlap?  Burlap, also pronounced "Ber lape" like "rape," collects the sweat of virgins.  After the ceremony, the sweat soaked burlap is offered to a younger sibling or to an uncle.  No one knows where this tradition comes from, but it was popular up until burlap was outlawed in Germany.

That's all we have time for today!  Check back next week for more wedding tips!

Reader Mail

Dear Prognostikatie:
It seems that you really know your stuff!  From birds to pasta, there's just no stopping you!  I was wondering if you could offer your opinion, your factual opinion on raising a pet rattlesnake.  Be warned! I have a new baby named Jaydin who absolutely adores shiny shaky things!  I look forward to your reply!
-Shake Rattle & Roll


Dear Shake,
Thanks for writing!  Rattlesnakes are more common as pets than you'd think!  In fact, our first president had 3 pet rattlesnakes!  His favorite was named "Hammy," after Alexander Hamilton.  His second favorite snake was named "Stupid," for Thomas Jefferson.  He only fed Stupid like every two weeks.  For a while, the government thought about requiring all adult males over the age of 12 to keep a pet rattlesnake under their bed.  This was to honor George Washington, as well as keep away pneumonia and depression.  Can't be depressed with the threat of rattlesnake poison!  No time to!

I just love your little baby's name.  Did you make that up?  I bet you did.  That's a real popular thing for people to do these days.  Less vowels than consonants, combine a boys name with an "en," then poof! You got yourself a baby name!  It's a fact that a rattlesnake will never strike a newborn for fear of going straight to hell.  The first thing you need to do is introduce your baby to the snake.  Buy a big enough snake cage for both baby and snake to fit.  Swaddle your baby in a cute mouse outfit to make the snake feel comfortable.  (Snakes normally take up to 3-5 mouse wives in a lifetime!)  Next, turn out the lights and exit the room.  I'm sure you have a baby monitor.  Use it to listen in on the magic!

When you need to run errands, it is important to wrap your rattlesnake's tail with aluminum foil.  The foil acts as a baby toy.  Leave the baby and snake with the TV on and you've got plenty of time to sneak in a workout at Curves, purchase a Mochasippi and update the facebook!  In summation, snakes love babies!

Your Factitious Friend,
Ms. Prognostikatie