Carrot + Potato (Love is Blind)

What happens when a blind Potato falls in love with a Carrot?  

Let's just say it's a perfect marriage of Vitamin A and Love!   

Meet Kevin Broussard, a sight impaired potato just trying to make his way through the world.  He, literally! bumps into Julie Lovato, a sexy businesslady carrot.  But is LOVE really BLIND?

Wedding Bells!

As a retired wedding planner, I feel it is finally time for me to share with you some really great, no-fail ideas.  Apparently there are "wedding magazines," that offer "free" advice to expecting brides.  What most don't realize is that these "magazines" are actually put out by the government.  In 1978, the Carter Administration passed the NAACP act, which stands for Nuptials at all Costs Program.  It's main goal was to instill and promulgate family values and the institution of marriage.  They pumped $14 million dollars into this program, with funds going to magazines, fashion, food and entertainment.  Women went crazy over the idea of a plastic dove cake toppers and Empire Waist gowns.  The $14 million that started the program nearly tripled its profit in the first year.

Here are some good ideas that the government's wedding initiative won't tell you:

1.  Party Throws - RICE - The government hates pigeons.  Alex Hamilton once said jokingly at a party, "Pigeons are tiny demons who prefer pecking at our waste than soaring high above us.  Satan put them on this earth to gather information about our eating habits. Aren't pigeons the worst!" Mary Witherspoon overheard Alex spouting off his pigeon nonsense and soon, it became known as fact that pigeons are Satan's favorite bird.  The government decided to start forcing brides to throw rice at weddings.  Rice expands in the stomachs of pigeons and makes them explode.  

MODERN TIMES:  Instead of rice, throw MARBLES.  Remember how special marbles were when you were a kid?  "Oh, look a tiger eye!"  Brides will literally be hit over the head with nostalgia!  

FERTILIZER:  You will be outside anyway, why not be "green" about the whole thing?  Throw fertilizer at the bride and groom as a sign that you hope "their love will Grow!"

KLEENEX:  As a guest, you most likely cried at the wedding.  In the 14th century, tears and nose mucus were considered a sign of affection. Go old fashioned and bring this tradition back.  The bride and groom will know for a fact that you care about them, based on the tear and snot contents of the kleenex.  It is customary for the b & g to stuff a pillow with the used kleenex.  That way they can remember how many people care about them.

FASHION:  Wedding dresses are not supposed to be comfortable.  Nowadays they are, but if you are more of a traditional girl, why not line it in burlap?  Burlap, also pronounced "Ber lape" like "rape," collects the sweat of virgins.  After the ceremony, the sweat soaked burlap is offered to a younger sibling or to an uncle.  No one knows where this tradition comes from, but it was popular up until burlap was outlawed in Germany.

That's all we have time for today!  Check back next week for more wedding tips!

Magden, Idaho and Rogue Chickens

Urban chickens are the newest residents of Magden, Idaho, a ghost town since 1986.  You may remember Magden as the former home of "Baby Jessica."  Baby Jessica was a famous baby because of her ability to fit into tiny places.  She captivated the nation with her acrobatics and contortionist abilities.  Interest died down when it was discovered she was born without a full set of rib bones, allowing her to squeeze and bend more easily than others.  Dubbed a hoax, she faded into obscurity.  Residents of Magden were dealt another blow when their main industry, VHS tape manufacturing, crumbled with the invention of the DVD.  Soon, the townspeople packed up and set off for Jaxdon, Nebraska, leaving Magden to die a slow death.  

Recently, on a road trip through Idaho, we discovered the town of Magden.  The earth is slowly reclaiming it as evident by the vine covered gas station.  "Coming Soon: Predator," is on the marquee, although it reads more like "Com g  oon  dato," but you can figure it out.  It's all but silent except for the occasional buzz from a passing dragonfly.  The cement is hot and cracked and there are no birds overhead.  But then, just as we were headed back to our car, we heard it; a cackle. And then more cackles.  Five chickens darted across the parking lot of the abandoned Waffle House.  We moved in closer and they charged us.  We rushed back to the car and they jumped on the hood and started pecking at the windshield.  We turned on the wipers but they were not deterred.  I had some Orbitz gum, so I threw the pack out the window.  They went for the bait, so we backed up slowly. Then we high-tailed it to Boise in search of sushi.  

Tips for Naming your Bullets

Once you have a pretty substantial bullet collection, its best to start labeling/naming them so 1. You won't get them mixed up and 2. They will feel special.  A couple of years ago I was sweeping leaves and I unearthed a bullet labeled, "David Rubell."  I was confused for two whole days.  I kept calling the little bullet, "David," but he didn't answer.  "Comere David. Comere!"  Nothing. He just sat there.  Then on day 3, I realized, duh, this bullet is for David Rubell.  So I looked up David Rubell in the phone book and drove to his house and knocked on the door.  He wasn't home, so I just left the bullet with his name on it on his porch with a note that said, "This is for you."  And then the police showed up at my house, which is another story entirely.

HOW TO PROPERLY LABEL A BULLET:
Obtain a high-quality label maker. Think of a fitting name for your bullet, or if it's for someone else, put their name on it.  Everyone makes the mistake of using the same color ink and font.  If you are going by the 1946 American Guide to Assigning Bullet Monikers (Penguin), you will know that personal bullets (bullets with a personality that you have no intention of giving away) are to be labeled in black ink, Verdana Font:
Mr. Richard.  If the bullet is intended for someone else, it is to be labeled in red or blue and handwritten. The rule is loose as to whether or not you underline the last name and if you add an exclamation point. 


Good Luck!  

Facts about Selling Things Quickly

Sexy things sell faster than non-sexy things.  Adjectives are a great way to make ordinary things, extraordinary.  See, just by adding "extra," the word ordinary, which is an innately boring word, is now exotic.

Here is an example of an ordinary, non-sexy ad for a bicycle:
"Bicycle for sale. Two wheels. Goes left and right."

Here is an example of an extraordinary, super sexy ad for a bicycle:

My Haro Heartland is looking for a new home, perhaps a summer abroad. She's just graduated from high school and is looking for new experiences. I've attached some candid shots of bikey so you can get to know her. First up is her Senior portrait, Class of '10 what what! Next is another senior portrait where she is casually leaning against a tree. We decided to take some boudoir pics at some point and I think they came out real classy. Last, please find a cheeky, come hither photo.

Please, if you are a pedalfile, do not ask to "just sit on the bike for a while." That's gross. 

Even if you are submitting a resume, it has been proven that sexy resumes are more likely to grab the attention of a prospective employer than a non-sexy resume.  There are several ways to create a sexy resume.  The easiest way is to go to "File" on your toolbar and choose "Format," which is like 5 options down and then you'll see the "sexy" option.  This is only available on Word '94, but if you have a different version, don't fret.  Here is another method to sexy up your resume:

In summation, if you are feeling dull professionally, or if you need to sell something that everybody has and nobody wants, make it sexy.

Tips for Bad Guys

1.  Avoid wearing tank tops.  You immediately identify yourself as a bad guy.  Especially do not wear a tank top that is not really a tank top - like a plaid shirt with the arms removed, rendering it a tank top.        2.  Do not wear a shark tooth necklace.  3.  Try not to curse.  4.  Try complimenting someone, even if it's your intended target.  5.  Practice just a regular laugh.  6.  Surround yourself with very few other bad guys - bad guys are just plain bad and are not looking out for you or the team.  7.  Say thank you when someone does something nice for you, please when you want something.  8.  Lose the accent.  9.  Call your mom before your bad guy mission and tell her hey.  10.  If you are traveling abroad for your mission, send a postcard to a friend to let them know you were thinking about them.

Follow these rules and people will just think you are a just a regular guy, but really you are not. You are a bad guy.  

Also, say a third party wants to give you one million dollars for killing someone important.  Obviously that third party is loaded.  Tell the third party, sure whatever and then follow that up with, "Know what might be a good idea? Let's kill debt!" And the bad guy benefactor will most likely say yes.  From here, I will direct you to my Sallie Mae account where you can destroy it with money.  

Mardi Gras Song Lyrics

"Big Chief" by Professor Longhair

"Honk honk honk honkhonk bammmbambambam honk honk honk honkhonk."

"Second Line:"
"Badun duuuuuuun dun! Zoink! Badun duuuuuuun dun! Zoink! Dun dun dun, dun dundun du dun.  Dun dun dun, dun dundun du dunnunu, Dun dun dun, dun dunnunna, dundundu dundundun, dundundundun dun dun dun, dundun du DUN!  Badun dun. dun. dundun. dun dun dun dun. dun dun."

"They all asked for you" by Rockin' Dopsie, Jr.:
"Womp womp wawanamawompwomp womp womp banananannawompwomp."

Knowing these few popular songs will enrich your Mardi Gras experience.  All the locals know these songs.  People will say, "Oh you must be a local!" And you can smile and fold your arms over your Villanova sweatshirt and say, "Yes, yes I am.  If only for a day...."

Lessons to Jews in Holocaust Movies

Find a place to hide some peanut butter crackers.  You'll thank me later!

What a deal!

Read below for real facts about good ideas:

1.  If you are purchasing something at a store and you notice they offer gift wrapping, tell them to go ahead and wrap it up, even if what you are buying is for yourself.  From here you have two options: a. Hide the present somewhere in your house.  Wait 5 minutes. "Discover" the present and unwrap it like a child would at a birthday party.  "How unexpected! A gift!"  Option b. Open the package carefully and save the wrapping paper for someone who actually deserves a gift.  It's free paper!

2.  When ordering something online and they offer "include message," say yes.  Always say yes.  This affords you the opportunity to write a message to yourself from your "secret admirer" or dead relative.  "Dear Katie, I saw this and thought of you.  Wish I wasn't dead.  Love, Grandpa."  By the time the gift arrives (because you know you chose the cheapest shipping method), you will have forgotten about the message and it will be a real treat!

3.  If you have a light bulb that burns out, drive to a nearby campus and look for a dorm.  Tell the front desk that you are waiting for Jill Richards.  Look for a lamp and unscrew the lightbulb.  Put the bulb in your purse and go to exit.  Take a call from "Jill" on your cell phone as you exit. "Oh hey Jill!  Oh I was supposed to meet you there!" (trail off...) Turn around and go back in and ask to use a restroom.  Help yourself to a few rolls of TP while you are in there.  Wait 5 long seconds, flush, pretend to wash your hands then leave!  It's a one stop shop!

4.  To boost self-esteem find a ukelele and pretend like it's a regular size guitar.  This will make you feel gigantic.

5.  There's no real need to own a watch when you can just draw one on your wrist.  Look at your phone to update the time.

You are welcome!

Isotoner: Behind the V

"Your fingers are cold and you want to look bold - Isotoner! Isotoner!"

"When it's cold outside and there's no where to hide - Isotoner! Isotoner!"

"Look for the V it spells qual-ity!" Isotoner! Isotoner!

"Isotoner!"     

Everyone remembers this popular jingle from 1937.  This particular jingle was so popular, the The Gray Purple recorded a version of it for their Platinum Selling album, "Mercury Honey."  What many people don't realize is that the jingle was originally recorded by Shannon and the Bangolly's, a doo wop group better known for their rendition of "A Mighty Storm is in the Forecast Shoopeedoo."  Because of the racial climate at that time, Shannon (Okra) and her bandmates (Cheryl Washington, Edna Black, and Rita Marks) were never properly recognized for their contribution.  The Isotoner company gave credit to the Max & Schnyder Advertising Company.  When asked, "Who came up with that amazing jingle," Isotoner employees were instructed to say, "Oh Dick Schnyder over at Max & Schnyders." "Of course!" people would say.  At that time, Max & Schnyder was the most successful ad and marketing team in the country.

Back then, blacks were not properly represented in the entertainment industry and many of their artistic contributions were overlooked, or worse, stolen.  Luckily, Shannon and the Bangolly's went on to have successful careers, but things were not good for Isotoner.

When news broke that Max & Schnyder did not write the jingle, America was outraged.  You see, Isotoner was not just a glove company, it was a movement.  At the beginning, it became custom when wearing your Isotoners to shoot the index and middle finger up into a V.  This gesture swept the nation.  (The word "Isotoner" is latin for "winged animal," hence the V design on the glove.)  In protest, people started holding up one finger to show their disgust, and the gesture became known as,  

"Shooting the Bird." Isotoner issued a formal apology, but by then people had moved on, but the gesture remained a symbol of disgust. 

Reader Mail

Dear Prognostikatie:
It seems that you really know your stuff!  From birds to pasta, there's just no stopping you!  I was wondering if you could offer your opinion, your factual opinion on raising a pet rattlesnake.  Be warned! I have a new baby named Jaydin who absolutely adores shiny shaky things!  I look forward to your reply!
-Shake Rattle & Roll


Dear Shake,
Thanks for writing!  Rattlesnakes are more common as pets than you'd think!  In fact, our first president had 3 pet rattlesnakes!  His favorite was named "Hammy," after Alexander Hamilton.  His second favorite snake was named "Stupid," for Thomas Jefferson.  He only fed Stupid like every two weeks.  For a while, the government thought about requiring all adult males over the age of 12 to keep a pet rattlesnake under their bed.  This was to honor George Washington, as well as keep away pneumonia and depression.  Can't be depressed with the threat of rattlesnake poison!  No time to!

I just love your little baby's name.  Did you make that up?  I bet you did.  That's a real popular thing for people to do these days.  Less vowels than consonants, combine a boys name with an "en," then poof! You got yourself a baby name!  It's a fact that a rattlesnake will never strike a newborn for fear of going straight to hell.  The first thing you need to do is introduce your baby to the snake.  Buy a big enough snake cage for both baby and snake to fit.  Swaddle your baby in a cute mouse outfit to make the snake feel comfortable.  (Snakes normally take up to 3-5 mouse wives in a lifetime!)  Next, turn out the lights and exit the room.  I'm sure you have a baby monitor.  Use it to listen in on the magic!

When you need to run errands, it is important to wrap your rattlesnake's tail with aluminum foil.  The foil acts as a baby toy.  Leave the baby and snake with the TV on and you've got plenty of time to sneak in a workout at Curves, purchase a Mochasippi and update the facebook!  In summation, snakes love babies!

Your Factitious Friend,
Ms. Prognostikatie

The True Facts about Spaghetti

Spaghetti is a common food that comes in a can that has a label that reads, "Spaghetti O's." Spaghetti is an "o" shaped noodle made out of circular pasta.  One camp believes that the "spaghetti" noodle originated in Italy, but that is untrue.  Spaghetti noodles are a completely American idea, product and edible.  In fact, it is also a liquid.  If can contents are poured into a microwavable safe bowl then heated, one can choose a spoon, therefore rendering the meal liquid.

American Germans settled the southern United States after the Civil War.  They are responsible for making canned fruit a popular gift under courting rituals.  Soon people were canning everything.  In 1887, Walt Disney wrote and starred in the animated feature, Lady and the Tramp.  There is a famous scene where Walt Disney and a cocker spaniel share a plate of American Spaghetti in a particularly romantic scene.  It didn't take long for Americans to have "Spaghetti Fever," which led to the canning of the now infamous "Spaghetti O's."  (There is a theory that the "O" in "Spaghetti O's," is from the same scene in Lady and the Tramp when the cocker spaniel begs for American Spaghetti by pursing her lips in an O formation. This has not been verified.)

Americans pride themselves on their versatile food options, as well as they're development of noodles.  Many fine dining establishments, such as hotels and hospitals offer canned spaghetti.  Do yourself a favor though if you find yourself in a predominately Italian country, avoid "Italian Spaghetti" at all costs as you will be sorely disappointed.

The Facts about Poseidon and Wind Farm Technology

Many people wonder aloud, "Whatever happened to Poseidon?"  "Poseidon the guy who played for the Steelers?" "No." "Oh, then I don't know."  And then it kind of ends there.

What most don't realize is that Poseidon was Atlantic City's hottest attraction in the late 80's.  After battling a drug addiction, he eventually invested in wind farm technology.  Below find "Poseidon: A Life in Photographs:"

Facts about Small Birds