Facts about Selling Things Quickly

Sexy things sell faster than non-sexy things.  Adjectives are a great way to make ordinary things, extraordinary.  See, just by adding "extra," the word ordinary, which is an innately boring word, is now exotic.

Here is an example of an ordinary, non-sexy ad for a bicycle:
"Bicycle for sale. Two wheels. Goes left and right."

Here is an example of an extraordinary, super sexy ad for a bicycle:

My Haro Heartland is looking for a new home, perhaps a summer abroad. She's just graduated from high school and is looking for new experiences. I've attached some candid shots of bikey so you can get to know her. First up is her Senior portrait, Class of '10 what what! Next is another senior portrait where she is casually leaning against a tree. We decided to take some boudoir pics at some point and I think they came out real classy. Last, please find a cheeky, come hither photo.

Please, if you are a pedalfile, do not ask to "just sit on the bike for a while." That's gross. 

Even if you are submitting a resume, it has been proven that sexy resumes are more likely to grab the attention of a prospective employer than a non-sexy resume.  There are several ways to create a sexy resume.  The easiest way is to go to "File" on your toolbar and choose "Format," which is like 5 options down and then you'll see the "sexy" option.  This is only available on Word '94, but if you have a different version, don't fret.  Here is another method to sexy up your resume:

In summation, if you are feeling dull professionally, or if you need to sell something that everybody has and nobody wants, make it sexy.

Tips for Bad Guys

1.  Avoid wearing tank tops.  You immediately identify yourself as a bad guy.  Especially do not wear a tank top that is not really a tank top - like a plaid shirt with the arms removed, rendering it a tank top.        2.  Do not wear a shark tooth necklace.  3.  Try not to curse.  4.  Try complimenting someone, even if it's your intended target.  5.  Practice just a regular laugh.  6.  Surround yourself with very few other bad guys - bad guys are just plain bad and are not looking out for you or the team.  7.  Say thank you when someone does something nice for you, please when you want something.  8.  Lose the accent.  9.  Call your mom before your bad guy mission and tell her hey.  10.  If you are traveling abroad for your mission, send a postcard to a friend to let them know you were thinking about them.

Follow these rules and people will just think you are a just a regular guy, but really you are not. You are a bad guy.  

Also, say a third party wants to give you one million dollars for killing someone important.  Obviously that third party is loaded.  Tell the third party, sure whatever and then follow that up with, "Know what might be a good idea? Let's kill debt!" And the bad guy benefactor will most likely say yes.  From here, I will direct you to my Sallie Mae account where you can destroy it with money.