Wedding Bells!

As a retired wedding planner, I feel it is finally time for me to share with you some really great, no-fail ideas.  Apparently there are "wedding magazines," that offer "free" advice to expecting brides.  What most don't realize is that these "magazines" are actually put out by the government.  In 1978, the Carter Administration passed the NAACP act, which stands for Nuptials at all Costs Program.  It's main goal was to instill and promulgate family values and the institution of marriage.  They pumped $14 million dollars into this program, with funds going to magazines, fashion, food and entertainment.  Women went crazy over the idea of a plastic dove cake toppers and Empire Waist gowns.  The $14 million that started the program nearly tripled its profit in the first year.

Here are some good ideas that the government's wedding initiative won't tell you:

1.  Party Throws - RICE - The government hates pigeons.  Alex Hamilton once said jokingly at a party, "Pigeons are tiny demons who prefer pecking at our waste than soaring high above us.  Satan put them on this earth to gather information about our eating habits. Aren't pigeons the worst!" Mary Witherspoon overheard Alex spouting off his pigeon nonsense and soon, it became known as fact that pigeons are Satan's favorite bird.  The government decided to start forcing brides to throw rice at weddings.  Rice expands in the stomachs of pigeons and makes them explode.  

MODERN TIMES:  Instead of rice, throw MARBLES.  Remember how special marbles were when you were a kid?  "Oh, look a tiger eye!"  Brides will literally be hit over the head with nostalgia!  

FERTILIZER:  You will be outside anyway, why not be "green" about the whole thing?  Throw fertilizer at the bride and groom as a sign that you hope "their love will Grow!"

KLEENEX:  As a guest, you most likely cried at the wedding.  In the 14th century, tears and nose mucus were considered a sign of affection. Go old fashioned and bring this tradition back.  The bride and groom will know for a fact that you care about them, based on the tear and snot contents of the kleenex.  It is customary for the b & g to stuff a pillow with the used kleenex.  That way they can remember how many people care about them.

FASHION:  Wedding dresses are not supposed to be comfortable.  Nowadays they are, but if you are more of a traditional girl, why not line it in burlap?  Burlap, also pronounced "Ber lape" like "rape," collects the sweat of virgins.  After the ceremony, the sweat soaked burlap is offered to a younger sibling or to an uncle.  No one knows where this tradition comes from, but it was popular up until burlap was outlawed in Germany.

That's all we have time for today!  Check back next week for more wedding tips!

Magden, Idaho and Rogue Chickens

Urban chickens are the newest residents of Magden, Idaho, a ghost town since 1986.  You may remember Magden as the former home of "Baby Jessica."  Baby Jessica was a famous baby because of her ability to fit into tiny places.  She captivated the nation with her acrobatics and contortionist abilities.  Interest died down when it was discovered she was born without a full set of rib bones, allowing her to squeeze and bend more easily than others.  Dubbed a hoax, she faded into obscurity.  Residents of Magden were dealt another blow when their main industry, VHS tape manufacturing, crumbled with the invention of the DVD.  Soon, the townspeople packed up and set off for Jaxdon, Nebraska, leaving Magden to die a slow death.  

Recently, on a road trip through Idaho, we discovered the town of Magden.  The earth is slowly reclaiming it as evident by the vine covered gas station.  "Coming Soon: Predator," is on the marquee, although it reads more like "Com g  oon  dato," but you can figure it out.  It's all but silent except for the occasional buzz from a passing dragonfly.  The cement is hot and cracked and there are no birds overhead.  But then, just as we were headed back to our car, we heard it; a cackle. And then more cackles.  Five chickens darted across the parking lot of the abandoned Waffle House.  We moved in closer and they charged us.  We rushed back to the car and they jumped on the hood and started pecking at the windshield.  We turned on the wipers but they were not deterred.  I had some Orbitz gum, so I threw the pack out the window.  They went for the bait, so we backed up slowly. Then we high-tailed it to Boise in search of sushi.  

Tips for Naming your Bullets

Once you have a pretty substantial bullet collection, its best to start labeling/naming them so 1. You won't get them mixed up and 2. They will feel special.  A couple of years ago I was sweeping leaves and I unearthed a bullet labeled, "David Rubell."  I was confused for two whole days.  I kept calling the little bullet, "David," but he didn't answer.  "Comere David. Comere!"  Nothing. He just sat there.  Then on day 3, I realized, duh, this bullet is for David Rubell.  So I looked up David Rubell in the phone book and drove to his house and knocked on the door.  He wasn't home, so I just left the bullet with his name on it on his porch with a note that said, "This is for you."  And then the police showed up at my house, which is another story entirely.

HOW TO PROPERLY LABEL A BULLET:
Obtain a high-quality label maker. Think of a fitting name for your bullet, or if it's for someone else, put their name on it.  Everyone makes the mistake of using the same color ink and font.  If you are going by the 1946 American Guide to Assigning Bullet Monikers (Penguin), you will know that personal bullets (bullets with a personality that you have no intention of giving away) are to be labeled in black ink, Verdana Font:
Mr. Richard.  If the bullet is intended for someone else, it is to be labeled in red or blue and handwritten. The rule is loose as to whether or not you underline the last name and if you add an exclamation point. 


Good Luck!  

Facts about Selling Things Quickly

Sexy things sell faster than non-sexy things.  Adjectives are a great way to make ordinary things, extraordinary.  See, just by adding "extra," the word ordinary, which is an innately boring word, is now exotic.

Here is an example of an ordinary, non-sexy ad for a bicycle:
"Bicycle for sale. Two wheels. Goes left and right."

Here is an example of an extraordinary, super sexy ad for a bicycle:

My Haro Heartland is looking for a new home, perhaps a summer abroad. She's just graduated from high school and is looking for new experiences. I've attached some candid shots of bikey so you can get to know her. First up is her Senior portrait, Class of '10 what what! Next is another senior portrait where she is casually leaning against a tree. We decided to take some boudoir pics at some point and I think they came out real classy. Last, please find a cheeky, come hither photo.

Please, if you are a pedalfile, do not ask to "just sit on the bike for a while." That's gross. 

Even if you are submitting a resume, it has been proven that sexy resumes are more likely to grab the attention of a prospective employer than a non-sexy resume.  There are several ways to create a sexy resume.  The easiest way is to go to "File" on your toolbar and choose "Format," which is like 5 options down and then you'll see the "sexy" option.  This is only available on Word '94, but if you have a different version, don't fret.  Here is another method to sexy up your resume:

In summation, if you are feeling dull professionally, or if you need to sell something that everybody has and nobody wants, make it sexy.

Tips for Bad Guys

1.  Avoid wearing tank tops.  You immediately identify yourself as a bad guy.  Especially do not wear a tank top that is not really a tank top - like a plaid shirt with the arms removed, rendering it a tank top.        2.  Do not wear a shark tooth necklace.  3.  Try not to curse.  4.  Try complimenting someone, even if it's your intended target.  5.  Practice just a regular laugh.  6.  Surround yourself with very few other bad guys - bad guys are just plain bad and are not looking out for you or the team.  7.  Say thank you when someone does something nice for you, please when you want something.  8.  Lose the accent.  9.  Call your mom before your bad guy mission and tell her hey.  10.  If you are traveling abroad for your mission, send a postcard to a friend to let them know you were thinking about them.

Follow these rules and people will just think you are a just a regular guy, but really you are not. You are a bad guy.  

Also, say a third party wants to give you one million dollars for killing someone important.  Obviously that third party is loaded.  Tell the third party, sure whatever and then follow that up with, "Know what might be a good idea? Let's kill debt!" And the bad guy benefactor will most likely say yes.  From here, I will direct you to my Sallie Mae account where you can destroy it with money.  

Mardi Gras Song Lyrics

"Big Chief" by Professor Longhair

"Honk honk honk honkhonk bammmbambambam honk honk honk honkhonk."

"Second Line:"
"Badun duuuuuuun dun! Zoink! Badun duuuuuuun dun! Zoink! Dun dun dun, dun dundun du dun.  Dun dun dun, dun dundun du dunnunu, Dun dun dun, dun dunnunna, dundundu dundundun, dundundundun dun dun dun, dundun du DUN!  Badun dun. dun. dundun. dun dun dun dun. dun dun."

"They all asked for you" by Rockin' Dopsie, Jr.:
"Womp womp wawanamawompwomp womp womp banananannawompwomp."

Knowing these few popular songs will enrich your Mardi Gras experience.  All the locals know these songs.  People will say, "Oh you must be a local!" And you can smile and fold your arms over your Villanova sweatshirt and say, "Yes, yes I am.  If only for a day...."

Lessons to Jews in Holocaust Movies

Find a place to hide some peanut butter crackers.  You'll thank me later!