Marriage Facts

The word "marriage" comes from the Latin word, "disease."

Buttons: The Real Deal

Buttons do not come in all shapes and sizes.  They actually all come from one large button that was first invented in Italy.  The best way to explain button production is by explaining how to make sour dough bread.  First, you need a "starter."  A starter is dough with yeast that you save forever.  Each time you make sourdough bread, you incorporate the old dough, forever.

Guiseppe Primavera was from the Isle of Lido, right down the road from Venice.  He worked for his father in the real estate business.  This guy came in one day and said, hey I've got this plastic that maybe you could use for something useful.  He said this as Guiseppe was applying egg yolk to his shirt to keep it closed.  Guiseppe and his dad went outside to investigate the plastic mound and after a brief conversation that sounded like, "Pizza pizza prego," they agreed to purchase the plastic.  That night Guiseppe had a wild dream about circles and fashion and a hot air balloon that brought him to a strange arena where goats were humans and also Shakespeare was there.  He woke at 3am and rushed outside, clearly inspired.  He cut three tiny circles off the giant plastic mound and then poked two holes in the circles.  He then used horse tail hair to "sew" the buttonmatica to the shirt.  (Translation and time manipulated the word buttonmatica to the modern word button.)

To this day, all buttons still come from this very same plastic mound.

Facts about Writing a Song

Facts about Music Writing.  Follow these instructions and you can write hits just like your favorite hit makers!

Play 3-4 different notes four times each two times.  Then, introduce a new note, usually higher or lower.  Play this new part two times then go back to the original 3-4 notes, twice.  Next, go back to that same new note, then play the original part once, add some hand claps, fade out. Hit.  Advance musicology has not progressed enough to distinguish notes from one another, so it's best to designate names for the notes so you don't get confused. 

We'll call the first note "Yellow."
Yellow Yellow Yellow Yellow

The second note we'll call "Potatoes."
Potato Potato Potato Potato

The third note will be "Our Lady of Perpetual Hope."
Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Our Lady of Perpetual Hope

Play Yellow again
Yellow Yellow Yellow Yellow

REPEAT THE WHOLE THING

**INTRODUCTION OF NEW HIGHER OR LOWER NOTE ALERT!**
NEW SPECIAL NOTE will be called "Heather."

Never  play your instrument when you are conscious.  And never
put the instrument in the upright position.  It puts stress on the neck
and the circle parts that are also silver.  It is important not to sneak
up on your instrument.  
Let it know you are approaching by shouting, "Look Out Behind You!" 

Heather Heather Heather Heather
Yellow Yellow
Potato Potato
Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Our Lady of Perpetual Hope
Yellow Yellow
Potato Potato
Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Our Lady of Perpetual Hope
Heather Heather Yellow Yellow Heather Heather Yellow Yellow Heather Heather
*Hand Clap Hand Clap quick, Hand Clap Hand Clap slow*
Yellow Yellow
Potato Potato
Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Ourladyofperpetualho......

This is top secret industry science.  I hope this helps.  I've been helping hit makers for years now.

Facts about Babies

People always say, "Oh babies are such a mystery!"  Here are some things you should know should you decide to get a baby:

1.  Babies have no neck spines until they are 3 years old.  They are filled with honey, one kidney, half and half, and a tiny heart.  The heart doubles as the stomach for the first 4 months, fact.

2.  Babies have fly vision, as well.  This is because their brains are kaleidoscopes.  After they open presents on their 5th birthday, their brain transforms into an adult brain.

3.  Buy your baby a pet snake.  See earlier post, but to recap, babies and snakes are best friends, especially rattle snakes.

4.  Babies enjoy sausage sandwiches and no one ever gives it to them.  This is why they cry so much.

5.  Babies need alone time, just as much as adults.  You and your baby will both be happier if you have time apart.


I really hope this helps!  Best of luck in acquiring a baby baby.

Carrot + Potato (Love is Blind)

What happens when a blind Potato falls in love with a Carrot?  

Let's just say it's a perfect marriage of Vitamin A and Love!   

Meet Kevin Broussard, a sight impaired potato just trying to make his way through the world.  He, literally! bumps into Julie Lovato, a sexy businesslady carrot.  But is LOVE really BLIND?

Wedding Bells!

As a retired wedding planner, I feel it is finally time for me to share with you some really great, no-fail ideas.  Apparently there are "wedding magazines," that offer "free" advice to expecting brides.  What most don't realize is that these "magazines" are actually put out by the government.  In 1978, the Carter Administration passed the NAACP act, which stands for Nuptials at all Costs Program.  It's main goal was to instill and promulgate family values and the institution of marriage.  They pumped $14 million dollars into this program, with funds going to magazines, fashion, food and entertainment.  Women went crazy over the idea of a plastic dove cake toppers and Empire Waist gowns.  The $14 million that started the program nearly tripled its profit in the first year.

Here are some good ideas that the government's wedding initiative won't tell you:

1.  Party Throws - RICE - The government hates pigeons.  Alex Hamilton once said jokingly at a party, "Pigeons are tiny demons who prefer pecking at our waste than soaring high above us.  Satan put them on this earth to gather information about our eating habits. Aren't pigeons the worst!" Mary Witherspoon overheard Alex spouting off his pigeon nonsense and soon, it became known as fact that pigeons are Satan's favorite bird.  The government decided to start forcing brides to throw rice at weddings.  Rice expands in the stomachs of pigeons and makes them explode.  

MODERN TIMES:  Instead of rice, throw MARBLES.  Remember how special marbles were when you were a kid?  "Oh, look a tiger eye!"  Brides will literally be hit over the head with nostalgia!  

FERTILIZER:  You will be outside anyway, why not be "green" about the whole thing?  Throw fertilizer at the bride and groom as a sign that you hope "their love will Grow!"

KLEENEX:  As a guest, you most likely cried at the wedding.  In the 14th century, tears and nose mucus were considered a sign of affection. Go old fashioned and bring this tradition back.  The bride and groom will know for a fact that you care about them, based on the tear and snot contents of the kleenex.  It is customary for the b & g to stuff a pillow with the used kleenex.  That way they can remember how many people care about them.

FASHION:  Wedding dresses are not supposed to be comfortable.  Nowadays they are, but if you are more of a traditional girl, why not line it in burlap?  Burlap, also pronounced "Ber lape" like "rape," collects the sweat of virgins.  After the ceremony, the sweat soaked burlap is offered to a younger sibling or to an uncle.  No one knows where this tradition comes from, but it was popular up until burlap was outlawed in Germany.

That's all we have time for today!  Check back next week for more wedding tips!

Magden, Idaho and Rogue Chickens

Urban chickens are the newest residents of Magden, Idaho, a ghost town since 1986.  You may remember Magden as the former home of "Baby Jessica."  Baby Jessica was a famous baby because of her ability to fit into tiny places.  She captivated the nation with her acrobatics and contortionist abilities.  Interest died down when it was discovered she was born without a full set of rib bones, allowing her to squeeze and bend more easily than others.  Dubbed a hoax, she faded into obscurity.  Residents of Magden were dealt another blow when their main industry, VHS tape manufacturing, crumbled with the invention of the DVD.  Soon, the townspeople packed up and set off for Jaxdon, Nebraska, leaving Magden to die a slow death.  

Recently, on a road trip through Idaho, we discovered the town of Magden.  The earth is slowly reclaiming it as evident by the vine covered gas station.  "Coming Soon: Predator," is on the marquee, although it reads more like "Com g  oon  dato," but you can figure it out.  It's all but silent except for the occasional buzz from a passing dragonfly.  The cement is hot and cracked and there are no birds overhead.  But then, just as we were headed back to our car, we heard it; a cackle. And then more cackles.  Five chickens darted across the parking lot of the abandoned Waffle House.  We moved in closer and they charged us.  We rushed back to the car and they jumped on the hood and started pecking at the windshield.  We turned on the wipers but they were not deterred.  I had some Orbitz gum, so I threw the pack out the window.  They went for the bait, so we backed up slowly. Then we high-tailed it to Boise in search of sushi.