As a retired wedding planner, I feel it is finally time for me to share with you some really great, no-fail ideas. Apparently there are "wedding magazines," that offer "free" advice to expecting brides. What most don't realize is that these "magazines" are actually put out by the government. In 1978, the Carter Administration passed the NAACP act, which stands for Nuptials at all Costs Program. It's main goal was to instill and promulgate family values and the institution of marriage. They pumped $14 million dollars into this program, with funds going to magazines, fashion, food and entertainment. Women went crazy over the idea of a plastic dove cake toppers and Empire Waist gowns. The $14 million that started the program nearly tripled its profit in the first year.
Here are some good ideas that the government's wedding initiative won't tell you:
1. Party Throws - RICE - The government hates pigeons. Alex Hamilton once said jokingly at a party, "Pigeons are tiny demons who prefer pecking at our waste than soaring high above us. Satan put them on this earth to gather information about our eating habits. Aren't pigeons the worst!" Mary Witherspoon overheard Alex spouting off his pigeon nonsense and soon, it became known as fact that pigeons are Satan's favorite bird. The government decided to start forcing brides to throw rice at weddings. Rice expands in the stomachs of pigeons and makes them explode.
MODERN TIMES: Instead of rice, throw MARBLES. Remember how special marbles were when you were a kid? "Oh, look a tiger eye!" Brides will literally be hit over the head with nostalgia!
FERTILIZER: You will be outside anyway, why not be "green" about the whole thing? Throw fertilizer at the bride and groom as a sign that you hope "their love will Grow!"
KLEENEX: As a guest, you most likely cried at the wedding. In the 14th century, tears and nose mucus were considered a sign of affection. Go old fashioned and bring this tradition back. The bride and groom will know for a fact that you care about them, based on the tear and snot contents of the kleenex. It is customary for the b & g to stuff a pillow with the used kleenex. That way they can remember how many people care about them.
FASHION: Wedding dresses are not supposed to be comfortable. Nowadays they are, but if you are more of a traditional girl, why not line it in burlap? Burlap, also pronounced "Ber lape" like "rape," collects the sweat of virgins. After the ceremony, the sweat soaked burlap is offered to a younger sibling or to an uncle. No one knows where this tradition comes from, but it was popular up until burlap was outlawed in Germany.
That's all we have time for today! Check back next week for more wedding tips!
